Why I can never take up knitting

I am currently in tech for our first children's show of the season, and everybody (and I pretty much mean everybody) is knitting. There are performers and crew members who are clearly veteran knitters and then there are those that are just learning. Every time I am around a knitting cast I think to myself, "Man I should really take that up." Until now . . .

I was relaxing in the green room chatting with the knitters (I do admire their ability to chat and count their stitches) when someone tells me this story.

A friend of theirs was dating a lovely fellow. And his favorite dog died. She decided that she needed to do something kind and thoughtful for him to help him remember his friend. So she took this dead dog's fur (I don't even want to think about her shaving a dead dog), and spun it into thread. She then knitted this man a sweater. SHE MADE THE MAN A SWEATER OUT OF HIS DEAD DOG! Seriously!

I think if I opened a gift and found a sweater made out of my dead dog, I would probably vomit. And then immediately file for a restraining order against the maker of said sweater. But this guy found it endearing, I guess. And he wore the sweater out one night on a date with his beloved (but maybe slightly crazy) girlfriend. Anyway, on this date it started to rain and at that point the sweater started to, well, stink. Now this dude is out on a date (in public) smelling like a wet dead dog (again, I'd be evaluating my relationship and perhaps my own sanity at this point). It was apparently a horrible scene and the sweater had to be disposed of. And I pretty sure the dude had to take several showers.

Now, as I sit in the green room chatting with a lovely woman making herself a sweater dress, all I can think of is "I wonder if that dress is made out of her dead pet?" and "What happens if it rains on her while she is wearing it?"

And that is why, I don't think I'll be taking up knitting anytime soon . . . .or . . . .EVER!